Why Does Grief Feel So Painful?
We’ve all heard the phrase ‘Time heals’ in relation to grief, but what does that really mean? Is it simply a platitude? Something we say when we don’t know what to say to a grieving friend? Why is it that some people see their grief slowly ebb away, not forgotten but more manageable, while others seem stuck?
Turns out neuroscience has the answer: it's not just your heart that is grieving and needs to heal, your brain is grieving too. Our minds create 'mental maps' documenting the details around our loved ones. Think of it like a filing system. Details on who they are, their routines, likes and dislikes are all filed there. When a loved one passes, our brains don't immediately register that fact. Their 'file' is essentially still active.
In other words - if you experienced a death of someone close to you and are still grieving long after the frozen casseroles have been eaten and condolences have dried up - there's a good reason, and you're perfectly normal.
What are the ‘mental maps’ that our brains create surrounding loved ones?
In the book ‘The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn From Love and Loss,’ author Mary-Frances O’Connor shares her research on how grief affects the brain and body. One of the most interesting concepts comes from the idea that the brain creates mental maps around loved ones. These cognitive ‘maps’ store information (like a file) on our loved ones. We ‘map out’ familiar places and locations of where they are, when it's best to see them, and how emotionally close we are to them.
Why does grief hurt so much when a loved one dies?
From an early age, we seek attachment to others. This is instinctual - babies do it right from birth. Other mammals also seek attachment. Our instincts around attachment prompts us to seek out our loved ones, to find out where they are and assume they will be coming back.
While we know they’re no longer physically with us, cognitively our mind maps for this person still exists. This is why when it’s time for Marissa to come home at 6pm and she doesn’t, our brains feel confused and it hurts. We expect Marissa to walk through the door at 6pm.
Engaging with the belongings of our loved ones who have passed away:
While grief impacts each person in ways that are unique to them and their story, all of us have to engage with the loved ones’ belongings in some way.
Deciding what to do with belongings can be a stressful endeavour, but so can boxing items away as the grief becomes too much to face in the moment.
It is common to look for a loved one after death, and interacting with their belongings is a normal part of the grieving process. Doing so doesn’t mean you’re ‘crazy', rather it is an expression of wanting to connect with that person. In O’Connor’s book, she highlights two important questions that determine if your grieving process is healthy:
“Are you trying to bring the person back and dwell in the past?” or,
“Are you cherishing memories of the time shared with them?”
Healing from loss isn’t dependent on quickly accepting the loss, but on the brain adjusting gradually by going through new experiences. New experiences are helpful as they create new neural pathways in the brain, filling in gaps left behind from mental maps of absent loved ones.
Decluttering and hanging onto the belongings of loved ones:
For some, nothing is touched. The loved one’s room is left exactly as it was the day they passed. For others, a whole house of belongings are left behind and has to be sorted, sometimes on a tight timeline. Others take their time to sort. In the midst of processing grief and coping with change, objects can play many roles - as a source of comfort or as a source of stress. It’s important to be present and go at a pace that your grief allows. For circumstances that don’t allow for this (e.g. clearing out a home for a sale), bringing in extra support might help.
Getting help:
Gathering new experiences along with getting mental health help and support in processing the belongings of loved ones can help build resilience when grieving.
Grief and panic can sometimes occur simultaneously, making it difficult to stay present. It can be helpful to reach out for professional support to help navigate this difficult time. Finding strategies that work for you can help with the process. There are a variety of options that might be helpful, such as counselling, CBT therapy and art therapy. Tools that tap into the brain’s self-healing capabilities may also help support individuals processing grief, such as soothing the vagal nerve (e.g. through tapping and binaural beats) and eliminating foods that trigger an anxiety response for the time being.
In future blog posts we will explore various tools that can support brain health. In the meantime, individuals wanting support and to self-manage their grief can use the HOPE Platform as a starting point. HOPE is a digital mental health platform that offers mental health assessment tools and self-guided therapy modules to support women going through anxiety or depression. The Grief and Loss module can be a helpful place to start.
